A Flame of Rage 

You can’t really remember the reason or the person so much as the way you felt after it happened. The rage that builds up in you as you clench your fist. The way it felt as your fist hit their jaw, the taste of blood from your busted lip as it enters your mouth. It’s the things you wouldn’t expect to remember after a fight. When you stop and think truly look back on the anger and frustration all you’re left with is regret and remorse. You get the one second of relief but a lifetime full of regret.

I can remember the way the lights flashed around me like a strobe light, the stone white painted walls. Those weird maroon red tables. The perfect blindspot near the northeast corner. The smell of freshly cut green grass. The way it would stain my clothes. Crimson red blood running down my cheek, and the taste of sweat in my mouth, the shock of the blows hitting my side and my face. The feeling of a living fire inside me as it grew bigger and bigger, most of the time I would just want to let it come out of my mouth. Usually, the only thing that came out was a scream, the sounds of pain of the fire eating its way out of me. Burning away every shade of person I was. The calm waters left in waves and all that remained was the fire. All that remained was a blinding rage. When I got to this point all I was left with was black Void, normally I would not awake from this blacked outrage until I was being pulled off the other kid, or the kid was on the floor unconscious. The scars on my knuckles could tell more stories than me. 

I think it was when I  freaked out over something and stormed to my room that I truly realized how out of control I was.  When I walked through a closed door breaking the lock and the wall with it came to me. As I sat there in a room filled with holes and regret. Its as I sat in that room and looked around at each hole, it made me remember the anger but not the reason. It was one of many times I had looked at this room but for some strange reason, it wasn’t like the others, looking at the room, regret didn’t feel the same; the regret and shame of the look of my room calmed the rage.

After that day, one by one, I filled in the holes. One by one I went through the memories, the holes are long gone now, but their memories still remain. After I had gone through all the holes, I then began a long journey to reach inner peace to calm down the rage inside me for good. I swore to not hit another person for a reason I would not remember. I swore to try being as passive as I could. There were many things that I had tried to do to calm myself: I tried boxing, lifting, running, and just as I was out of options, I found a solution.

I finally was able to contain what I had so hopefully tried to. It took time, but with practice and breathing techniques, I was able to use meditation to focus on the issues and memories that were controlling those actions. To take a look at the feeling itself and try to find relief without punching something.

With my meditation as I close my eyes, I see an empty void of blackness with a similar feeling of rage. Nothing in sight, as I look into the emptiness, all I see are waves of black crashing down, the more I focus the more I see a face. It is similar to mine, and looks like me; I see him and I focus as memories of the events that are going on pass through my mind all the what-if’s and what would be and what could be. The questions that would fuel the anger and fire I calmly go through, within this empty blackness. Instead of the fire constantly going, I let it flow and endlessly come and go, my focus on the Darkness and not the questions, but a feeling of relief comes over me.

With many mental issues, there is no right fix or magic cure, it’s something you deal with on a regular basis. You constantly have to keep that wall up and keep working to not lose control. It has been some time since the last time I blacked out and woke up to black and blue all over my body, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t deal with my anger every second of the day. I will never be able to put out the fire inside, but I can control the fire and use it for good things. 

My meditation helps a little bit with keeping myself under control. It helps but does not always keep it under control. There are still points where it will lame up and bubble over like most mental illnesses. You can’t expect someone with anxiety to just stop getting worked up and freaking out. It’s just something you learn to deal with on a smaller scale. There are a couple methods I have learned over my time to control my anger.
Breathing exercises such as 7,4,8,2 helps a lot at the beginning. Breath in for 7 seconds then hold for 4 and breath out for 8 then hold for 2. This exercise helps with controlling your heart rate so you calm down and start to think clearly. This is good in the situations that are starting to work you up when you’re first starting to get frustrated. This doesn’t really help in the middle of your rage. It’s harder to think straight and control yourself in the moment of your rage. 

With being in the middle of the rage and already fully out of control there are a few things that help me personally, like cracking my knuckles. Seems weird and crazy but its just something that has helped me in the past. It’s weird to explain but it’s an easy release. Though the self-harm might scare away the normal person. In that case, I would recommend getting away from the situation. It’s childish but in the event that your about to lose it it’s best to remove yourself from the events that might happen. 

These don’t always work and they won’t work right away. It takes practice and patience to master the ability to control yourself. There will be many times you will lose control and that’s natural and normal but you need to take time and try to control yourself.