You can’t really remember the reason or the person so much as the way you felt after it happened the rage that builds up in you as you clench your fist. The way it felt as your fist hit their jaw, the taste of blood from your busted lip as it enters your mouth. It’s the things you wouldn’t expect to remember after a fight. When you stop and think truly look back on the anger and frustration all you’re left with is regret and remote. You get the one second of relief but a lifetime full of regret.

I think it was when I had freaked out over something and stoned to my room when I truly realized how out of control the anger was when I had walked through a closed door breaking a lock and the wall when it came to me. As I sat there in a room filled with holes and regret. Its as I sat in that room and looked around when each whole made me remember the anger but not the reason. It was one of many times I had looked at this room but for some strange reason it wasn’t like the others looking at this regret didn’t feel the same, the regret and shame of the look of my room calmed the rage.

After that day, one by one, I filled in the holes. One by one I went through the memories, the holes long and gone now but their memories still remain. After I had passed through all the holes I then began a long journey to get inner peace to calm down the rage inside me for good. I swore to not hit another person for a reason I would remember. I swore to try being as passive as I could. There were many things that I had tied to get it to calm, I tried boxing, lifting, running. And just as I was out of options, I found a solution.

I finally was able to contain what I had so hopefully tried to. It took time but with practice and breathing techniques, I was able to use meditation to focus on the issues and memories that were controlling those actions. Take a look at the feeling itself and try to get the relief without punching something.